Midlife: that elusive phase of life we seldom prepare for. We meticulously planned our careers and dreamt of our futures, but who anticipated the uncertainties that unfold after achieving the ‘grown-up’ status? Not many, including myself. As I entered my mid-thirties, having ticked off all the conventional boxes – degree, job, home, family – instead of contentment, I found myself more depressed and unhappy than ever before.
This unexpected crisis was marked by a guilt-ridden lack of gratitude. Despite possessing everything society (and my mother) deemed essential for happiness, I felt shame for not feeling happy and content like I thought I should. Little did I realize, I was in the midst of a midlife crisis, a phase that prompted a lot of uncomfortable introspection at a time when I thought I would have it all figured out already.
Midlife crises and callings share common symptoms: feeling stuck, bored, or uninspired, undergoing changes in appearance, questioning the meaning of life, and reflecting on past choices. Yet, it’s our perception and reaction to these symptoms that determine whether we experience a crisis or heed a calling.
What one person sees as a crisis, I see as a calling.
Midlife is a calling back to ourselves. Just as in adolescence, we had to learn to be in the world outside of ourselves, midlife is a calling back inside to tune in and explore and expand ourselves. For me, it was about letting go of all the things I thought I ‘should’ do or want in my life and starting from scratch to ask myself what I really wanted, how I wanted to show up, and get curious about who I wanted to be… or in other words, start dreaming for myself again.
Most of us are really busy in our 20s and 30s – I was. I had lots of goals to accomplish and trying to do all the things meant I didn’t make a lot of time to dream or look at my feelings and thoughts. I didn’t know myself, I just knew what needed to be done. I was focused on getting through the days of kids, jobs, education, and financial challenges. You know, just surviving. I know I’m not alone because I talk with a lot of midlife people going through self-proclaimed midlife crises. This is common, but it doesn’t have to create a crisis… it could be an opening.
The beauty of midlife is that we start opening up more time. Our kids are growing and leaving, our careers become a bit more stable, and there is less on the to-do lists. Our lives have space again. We have breathing room and time to ask ourselves the questions many of us didn’t dare to ask ourselves before or we ask them in new ways.
What do I truly want to do, rather than what I think I should do?
If fear wasn’t a factor, what choices would I make now?
How do I want to show up in my life and relationships?
Who am I now, and what unspoken desires lie within me?
Midlife offers freedom and new opportunities to live life authentically. A calling sees endless possibilities, embracing aging as a source of strength. It encourages us to care less about societal expectations, draw inspiration from our experiences, and courageously embrace new identities.
A crisis is a catastrophe. It sees the natural process of aging as a problem, or something to fight against. A crisis has us focused on all the things that are not how we’d like them to be. We react by trying to control what we can’t – our looks, other people’s judgments of age, how culture sees aging people, and especially our expectations of what midlife should look like. We deny the truth that we are part of life and that aging (if we’re lucky) is a natural part of life.
What we focus on grows, and our perceptions shape our reactions. If we are fearful and angry around aging, we feel the need to control things we can’t control, and/or we get depressed by all the things we can’t change.
If we are open to embracing our aging experience, we see opportunities for authenticity, our gifts beyond our youth, and a new, more connected way of living. We can even feel more confident and courageous than we did in our younger years.
Midlife is a space for exploration and just the beginning of a whole second life. We may have decades left. Surely we’re not ready to repeat the same life we lived in our previous decades. We’ve still got growth, experiences and new joys to look forward to.
Answer the call with curiosity.
If you find yourself grappling with midlife symptoms, consider them as signals from your inner self. Embrace curiosity, avoid the crisis mentality, and lean into the calling that beckons you to rediscover your desires and dreams. This is your time to tune in, stay open, and be curious. Embrace midlife not as a crisis, but as a journey of self-discovery and transformation.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Christina Smith is a life coach specializing in confidence and self-love in midlife so that women can finally truly like themselves and how they show up for themselves and their relationships. She’s helped people move through tough transitions in coaching and with her book, Inviting Shift. Her focus is on helping women to empower themselves so they can make their second half the best half by dropping the people-pleasing and perfection and stepping into desire, authenticity and joy.
You can find more about her and her work here.
