Sally Jane Pitts is a writer with a passion for creating female driven screenplays, blogging and life lesson essays. She’s also an adventurer and a big kid at heart. You can check out more of Sally’s life lessons at whatsallylearntthisweek.com.
This year I experienced growth I could never possibly have imagined. Growth I didn’t even know was even necessary. It led me to realize I was capable of a much BIGGER life, than the one I was living.
But that life no longer looks like it once did.
Before I go forward and tell you how this BIG moment shaped me, I’ll have to go back. And yes, sometimes that can be tough. However by bravely reliving stuff we’d rather forget it helps us come to terms with what has been, so we can step into the light. By doing so we become stronger and be more equipped to deal with the darkness, next time it descends.
I don’t share my story lightly but I share it so that if you’ve been through trauma, you may find comfort in knowing that you must do anything you can to save your life.
Last year I was violently sexually assaulted. The worst thing was that I was ashamed because it happened when I was drunk. I thought it was somehow my fault. So I tried to block it out, forget it. But I couldn’t. I needed help. Real help.
I started intensive therapy. I had to go into the deepest, darkest places. My insides were ripped out and laid bare. I became so utterly lost. I drank, I was angry; I had to deal with what had happened. I had to grieve. I had to walk, I had to read, I had to talk to friends, I had to cry and scream. I had to do anything possible to find myself again.
But I wasn’t to be found. The girl who was assaulted, that naive girl who thought it was her own fault. She was gone.
So who was left? I still don’t really know to be honest. But there was no going back. My eyes were open. It was like everything I knew had been shattered. All my bad relationships came flooding back.
Every shitty thing I’d never dealt with was there waiting for me to face it. Face up to why I’d let it happen to me. Ask myself why I didn’t think I deserved respect and love from a man. Did all I think I was worthy of was someone who only wanted to screw me?
Yes, my friends that’s what I actually thought. That that was all I had to offer. Sex. I thought that’s all men wanted. I was so incredibly sad when I realized this.Thinking back to that version of myself breaks my heart.
It’s been almost a year now.
Life has brought me more challenges, as it does everyone. But I was able to find a way to cope with what I’d been through. I found a new, more courageous me. Of course I don’t always get it right, I try to control things that I can’t, and then I realize I need to let go.
Control is my go-to but I see this now. I can put the brakes on and stop the car. My past doesn’t control me. Neither does my future. I can only do now. And now that I’ve been through the dark and learned to respect myself, I know I can bring the light back into my life.
In fact, I brought someone into my life that I never thought I would. And he is the definition of amazing. But that is not what’s most important. It’s the fact that I was able to save myself first.
This is what led me to realize I’m capable of so much more than I thought. I am capable of BIGNESS in my life. This knowledge comes from a place of looking after myself. Giving myself what I need. That is what I had to learn as I was traversing through the murky waters of healing.
It’s the small steps we take to love ourselves each day, that create a BIG attitude. Whether that’s taking time out to read, meditate, watch a film, exercise, chat to friends or just give ourselves a damn break! All these things contribute to our soul. It’s personal to each of us.
When we treat ourselves better, we realize we deserve better and that we are capable of so much more. You may not see small changes but if you continually strive for what you want, stand in your power; one day you’ll see you’ve arrived. Maybe you have already arrived without even knowing it.
I continue on my path towards seeing scripts I’ve written up on the silver screen. This is my BIG dream. But I also aspire to inspire women through my writing every day. This is my BIG goal.
When you read this I want you to know that you are so much more amazing than you believe. And even though sometimes you don’t feel in control of your own story, you are. Whatever happens to you, you choose what to do about it.
We all have a BIG life to live. Now is your time to live it.