blog entry

So Far

comin' to you straight to you from RedAss Land

So far: 1. The fat rolls right under my ass lump are the color of a Nathan's hotdawg, y'all! (Imagine naked bathing suit against a lobster colored sky. That's me.) The sun is vicious! To make matters worse, Leo's FRONT is torched. Put my back with his front and gardening is impossible. There are certain issues that one cannot ignore, even in the face of a sexperiment. When it hurts to shift from the left butt cheek to the right, no one is in the mood for sexy time. I'm sorry if I've let you down. We will resume when skin is no longer bubbly. 2. On the other hand, Dora is the color of an exotic Miss Universe contestant. Oh how I despise her right about now. 3. Speaking of Dora, this child managed to lock herself IN the bathroom of our beach house. IN IT. We were awakened yesterday to the sounds of "Hellllooooo. Ummmm...can sumboddy let me outta here? Pweese? I can't turn the thingy that is up and down right now. Gramma! Paaaapa-UH! HEY! Sumboddy come and open this closed door!" Knowing that she wasn't in immediate danger, ( more importantly, brain was not functioning yet) I stayed face down on my pillow to see how this would play out. I could hear my parents trying to explain to her how she could open the door on her own. Let's just say their powers of explanation combined with her level of understanding wouldn't allow her to open her eyes, let alone a locked door. Finally, when my mother's panic alarm was close to sounding, Leo rolled out of bed and tackled the situation. In what seemed to be 1.25 seconds, the door opened and she emerged smiling, proud that she was able to open it on her own. Key word was PINCH, as in "Pinch the up and down thingy, Dora, then turn it side to side." Yeah. Whatever. 4. I've not had wine in 4 days. It seems my parents discussed groceries on their way down, deciding amongst themselves that they would buy. Ummmm...my hypocrisy has boundaries. I can't put a nice Shiraz on the grocery list and feel good about it. I CAN, however, tell them this afternoon that Leo and I need to run out solo to pick up a few beach toys that the kids desperately need, then swing by a beach side cafe on the way back, savoring a glass of whatnot before returning home. I will buy a pack of Big Red at the store so that I may cover the lovely scent on my breath, since I will certainly be secretly inspected upon return. I WISH that was a joke. To Be Continued....