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Renee CK

writer, editor

I'm a fun girl who's on a quest to figure it all out. I'm cynical but living the dream- I'm not sure how that happened exactly. Follow along in my blog for fun, mayhem, and merriment. There's never a dull day!...

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Celebrating Independence

when you gotta go, you gotta go

I was young when my parents divorced. 6.

Another skirt! setter talked about why she chose to walk away.  I constantly admire her

Last night I was up late having a discussion with a friend who is tired of being “unhappy, stagnant, not making strides”. 

When I was 3 I woke to noises that upon walking down the hall I witnessed as my dad abusing my mom.  It took a long time for me to be able to completely fit together the pieces of what happened between them.  In fact, I was more astounded by my mom’s ability to be a single parent to my sister and I before I ever knew the emotional demons she was battling because of my dad.  Now that I’m older and can understand the entanglements of marriage, I understand better what it takes to leave a marriage.

At 35 and married 13 years, the majority of my friends are married.  I live in a happy little suburb of PTA moms and traveling husbands.  Lots of picket fences, 2.5 kids, SUV’s, and Vera Bradley.  So much so that you would think that anyone who seeks to walk away from that for the “wonderful world” of custody arrangements, smaller living spaces, and having to take care of ones self is assinine.  But perfection is a myth.  My mom used to say there was only one perfect man and they hung him on a cross.   

But when Mr. and Mrs. 4 Bedroom 2.5 baths, Good Job, Great Friends decide to split, we rubberneck.  How could they possibly be unhappy?  What is she thinking?  Why do we call women who want a true partner instead of a room mate selfish?  Why do we think they’re stupid?  If anything they’re stronger and wiser.  No offense to women who are physically abused, but it’s an easy call make when you’re getting black eyes and bruises. (That’s why we yell at the TV when battered women say “but I looooovvvvveeeeee him”.)  When the worst thing in your marriage is he doesn’t do dishes and we don’t have sex as much as I’d like, it seems harder to justify walking away.

When we say “I do”, we are saying “I do” to a partnership. Two people working together out of respect for each other.  Yes, things change through the years, ebb and flow naturally. But when you look back through the years and realize you’re the one ebbing while the other is flowing and realize that you’re being held back from living your best life, it’s hard to not want that for yourself. 

I’m not talking to the people who are happy with who they’ve chosen to be.  I am thankful and amazed every single day that I have a husband who has grown with me through each phase of my life.  If you’re happy being a mom who has dinner on the table and the house clean each night, then GREAT!  Bravo!  If you’re a working mom who has the routine worked out and can’t imagine anything else for yourself, HURRAH! 

Those of us, however, who’ve folded the umteenth shirt thinking “there has to be something better than this for me. I’ve always wanted to be a writer.” and chosen to do something about it know how scary it is.  Telling your partner that something has to change here to make my situation better is conversely telling them that something is going to have to change on their end as well.  It can be pretty, it can be ugly.  When it’s ugly, taking the steps to leave is nearly unthinkable.  Then again, so is staying in a fruitless marriage that is robbing you of your spirit. 

Marriages start in love.  They end in legal jargon and hurt.  Who would want to take that on needlessly?  A woman who is secure in the belief that she deserves better, that’s who. 

Independence comes in many forms.  Obviously it’s the theme of this long weekend.  Our forefathers felt they needed to do something to better their situation. They dumped tea into a harbor, they wrote a weighty document, and then took up arms against their oppressors.  For those women who took up arms against their oppressions over cups of tea and had weighty documents drawn up, I salute YOU.  Just as our forefathers could not imagine the importance of their actions, your actions in gaining your own independence has far reaching implications.

Have a safe and ENJOYable weekend!
Renee