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Kelly Love Johnson

Skirt! managing editor

Writer, editor, author, independent girly feminist hipster, slightly neurotic, cynically optimistic, compassionately liberal, fiscally conservative, somewhat intellectual, and always irreverent. ...

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Because I am the Queen of All Things Grammar...

Kelly Love Johnson

OK, not really – I have plenty of friends who could fill those royal shoes better than I can. But I’m a writer and editor for a living (and writer and reader and amateur editor before I got paid for it) so I do have my own little peeves when it comes to word usage. And rules. I have a few of those.

First rule:  I think we should be allowed to make things up and not be penalized for it. Without this rule, my vocabulary would not contain words such as “craptacular” (as in, “that movie was a craptacular assfest”), “asshat” (see where his head’s at),  and “douchery” (as in “I’ve never witnessed such douchery”). I also enjoy endless hyphenation and word manipulation. See Krogering, see listress, see “that was so Are-You-There-God-It’s-Me-Margaret it made me want to cry,” see “pizza-party-kid-vomit-bad-pineapple smell.”

Second: If you’re using a well-known phrase or idiom, forget the first rule. Because if you screw it up, I won’t be able to get it out of my head forever. Also, if you are my friend or someone I admire, it will diminish my admiration and I might not even be able to look you in the eye anymore. For example, more than THREE YEARS AGO, I attended a writer’s conference and was in a workshop session led by a fiction writer I really admired. She wrote some tips down on a white board and I remember nothing else about the workshop (even the subject) because her last tip had something to do with cliches and then she said, you know, “same-o, same-o.” I looked at the friend I was with and, using only my eyebrows and ESP, asked “did she really say what I think she just said or did I hear that but she meant “same old, same old?” Then she WROTE the following on her white board: “same o, same o.” And I almost had a conniption fit. I know it probably sounds like I’m being picky, but DAMN – this was someone I really (really!) admired and it wasn’t like she was an idiot. I’m not naming names or states or giving this one away because I’m still embarrassed for her.

Third: If you're going to be a grammar-Nazi, you should have a thick skin because you will deserve to have people pick apart your own. When I write essays, I proof the hell out of them, then ask someone else to do it for me, before it even goes to my editor. But I can’t read them when they’re already out in print because I will find mistakes and make fun of myself for them. I am the Comma Splicer from Hell. I use ellipses and em dashes interchangeably. I can’t proofread my own writing. If I didn’t use spell check AND grammar check, the final result of what you’re reading would be very different, as I always misspell “tomorrow,” “embarrassed,” and the plural of many other words. I wish there was a grammar check for my mouth, because I often mispronounce “ingenue,” “disingenuous,” and I have to try 3 or 4 times to even say “barbiturate” (and that’s before I’ve taken any).

I’m on m-w.com at least once a day to check word pronunciation (that’s what the little speaker thingy is next to the word). I love Hyperdictionary for synonyms and phrases, Cambridge Online for idioms (they help with headline-writing), Urban Dictionary just for fun (and I’ve contributed – but I can’t remember what words), and Wordspy.

I know some of my fellow editors and grammar-lovers (and grammar Nazis) out there have some peeves or most-embarrassing-grammar-moment stories of their own – or even sites you use every day. I’d love to hear them!