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Alison Piepmeier

My life is all about bringing down the patriarchy. I write books and articles about feminism, and I also teach and direct the Women's and Gender Studies Program at the College of Charleston....

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The function of grumpiness

Alison Piepmeier

I’ve mentioned here several times that I’m feeling somewhat less than cheerful about the holiday season this year.  Last night, walking through the mall with Walter, he made a comment about this bad attitude of mine getting kind of old.  He followed up by claiming that only one of us gets to be irritable, and that’s his job.  I retorted that he’s gotten his fair share of being irritable, and it’s my turn now.

But it occurred to me in that conversation that my irritability is serving a function.  During the holidays, it can be really difficult for me to discern what I actually want--what I want to do, to eat, to see.  I’m keenly attuned to the people around me--to their expectations and desires, to the traditions that have typically structured our holiday activities.  And so I often end up planning the holidays around what I think will make my family and friends happy.  This has become increasingly complicated since, for instance, both our families want to see us as much as possible, so spending time with one family--which makes them happy--means that we’re not spending time with the other family--which makes them unhappy.  For someone as codependent as I am, this can be the emotional equivalent of being pulled apart by horses.

But if I’m grumpy, then I’m freed a bit from those emotional entanglements.  “I can’t make you happy because I’m in a bad mood, so don’t even bother.”  It’s a defense mechanism.  Obviously not a healthy one, but in some paradoxical way, I’m sort of enjoying it.