The spawn are sick, and the mommy is well on her way. Freddy more than Dora, but just give it time, right? In this new peaceful existence that I am chasing, I attempt to find meaning and purpose in everything that happens in my life, even those things wrapped in high fevers and vomit. Yuck. Double yuck. While I forced medicine down the throat of my unwilling little man, I found myself surprisingly thankful. Thankful that he was mine, thankful that the wee girl laughing at him as he slobbered all over me was his sister, which, makes her (you got it) mine as well. This was reaffirmed as I tucked them into their beds, staying with them until they drifted off to sleep. I love the way the wild things smell (after the clean up shower), and the way they burrow into their pillows, so comfortable, snuggly, and at home there. There was a time in my life, not too terribly long ago, that this scene would have been nearly impossible. I won’t go into detail, but it will suffice to say that I made decisions that ultimately led to me rocking my children to sleep in a bedroom not their own, trying to explain in baby words why they were sleeping in a bed that wasn’t theirs. No words….. My preoccupation with the things I thought only affected me had turned their comfort in something so simple as bedtime, to confusion, pain, more pain, and lots and lots of tears. I would like to say that I immediately realized that I needed to put them first, that their faces hovered over every decision before I made it, from that point on. I would LIKE to say that. I can’t. What I can say, however, is that it did, eventually, start to sink in, as I watched them grow together, as I saw Leo live out mercy and grace, in person, over and over and over again. I now try to experience each breathe they take, each twirl, each soldier roll in the yard, each second, WITH them. I know that eventually they will make their own decisions, their own choices, and I will have little or no say….but now….now I must model for them. Now I must show them what it means to love your family with your entire heart, which sometimes means making choices that seem difficult. Like the medicine decision that is rocking Freddy’s world today. Now, yes, RIGHT now, I am their mommy, the lady with the “yucky, stupid medicine”, that won’t go away, and that’s okay. It makes me happy, and brings me peace. I am breathing…..
