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Krrobi

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No Rules, Please!!!

Kim Sisto Robinson

I hate the laws of grammar.  In fact, the only thing I detest more than following syntax is following a diet.  When I hear the word diet---after I cringe, the first thing I want to do is devour Crisco, yeah, plunk heaps of it into a bowl to make chocolate chip cookies.  Then I eat the whole batch, usually before they’re baked.  Take that, beeeeeitch! Take that, body!  Take that Jenny Craig!

One could assume I have issues.

I had a few problems in English class.   For one thing, I thought following the rules of grammar sucked, and I expressed as such. “Why can’t we begin sentences with AND?  Why can’t I use a period instead of a semi colon? I think negative pronouns are bull-shit. I only believe in positive pronouns. ” Okay, maybe I just thought it.  But honesty, the terms made my head spin.  Have you ever watched that scene out of The Exorcist, where the girl’s head does a full 360?  That’s me.

Grammatical terms such as— superlative (does that make you poop?) Oh, and how about semantics (it sounds like somebody who dislikes Jews.)  Hyperbole (is this something a stripper uses?)  Let’s not forget Serial commas and Oxford commas.  Come on, you’ve got to be kidding me.  I just wanted to write. Is that asking too much from you, Mrs. Fleming?  Is it?

I want freedom, honey. Liberation.  I want stream of consciousness. I want to write fast and hard and without restraints.  Natalie Goldberg calls this ‘Monkey Mind;’ writing the raw thoughts down as fast as you can.  In Goldberg’s classes, she has one rule, which I suppose I’d follow; nobody erases or lifts her pen from paper.  Now, this is more like it. This is like getting naked and running through rain, like burning your bra, like sex in the kitchen. In other words, like removing the chains of bondage and convention. 

I like it.

But I got a B- in English Composition, which dropped my grade point average drastically, because I just couldn’t follow the rules...

Thesis Statement—Beginning—Middle—Conclusion—Why?  Why couldn’t I begin my paper with the middle of the narrative, or write my conclusion first?  And I sure as hell didn’t want to start my first sentence saying something like, Steinbeck’s,East of Eden was agreat American Classic— Words like a flat paper doll, predictable, and bloody boooooring. Why couldn’t one surprise the reader with something like, Cal Trask’s mother was a whore, and her children were dead to her. . You must admit, this sounds more intriguing.

“Kim, I’m going to have to give you a B- for not following directions,” My Professor said, shaking his salt and pepper head.  “Why don’t you do what the syllabus says? You know grammar counts for 30% of your grade?  And I’ve observed you write all of your papers with present tense. Why?”

I couldn’t answer him. 

That’s another thing.  I use present tense even if it’s past tense. I don’t know why;  I want to be there, I guess. Sentences like, He says instead of he said…Kim eats the chocolate instead of Kim ate the chocolate.  I want it now, not yesterday, not tomorrow.  I want to touch it, feel it. So, that was a dilemma, you see?

Anyhow, back to diets, because they are very much interrelated.  If I want to eat an entire bag of M&Ms, nobody, and I mean nobody, will tell me I cannot—not Jenny Craig or Dr. Oz or Weight Watchers or LA Weightloss or that little gay guy with the curly hair.  No!   I will eat every color, and allow the tiny shells to melt upon my tongue all night long. I will then write my blog on Skirt without checking the grammar afterwards.  And if there is not a beginning, middle and end, I don’t care, so don’t tell me about it. Because you already know how I loathe the rules about grammar.

Oh, one more thing--can anybody tell me what kind of disease onomatopoeia is?